The Corners Of War

Have you ever gotten that feeling?
The inside of your stomach heaves
And your heartbeat wracks you with pain
Your breathing is labored
Those eyelids drop in defeat
And your body shuts down

It's the corners of war
Your fantasies against your reality
Tearing apart your insides
Because you're so lost to what is and isn't
After all, you can't see the end of the road
And the path is twisted

You've seen this happen
When you over-think it and ruin yourself
Because you're too insecure
Perfection is never attainable
And you're the farthest thing from it

Gracious acceptance of the past
And blissfully optimistic for the future
It brings tears to your eyes
Running mascara betraying you
Your strengths are your weaknesses
They bring your demise

Your body is turmoil
And your mind is even worse off
Landmines fill that barren landscape
Any chance of happiness is ruined by them
Those mines are your scenarios
Of what is, what was, and what will be
And they will destroy you

God, why won't you listen to me?
I'm trying to save you from yourself
Because this is how it always happens
You'd think you'd have learned this by now
But no, you won't

You think this is foolproof
What could ever go wrong?
And a minute later, you're wrought with pain
From something that hasn't happened yet
You can see it, you can feel it
But it doesn't exist
How can you do this to yourself?

This is war, damn it
And you're always going to lose
Until you stop sending your secrets
To the enemy

Sometimes I'm A Mistake

My fingertips hit the keyboard
And I have a million things to say
But I'm never coherent
And the words get jumbled again

If you looked in my head
I guarantee that you'd get lost
Between song lyrics and memories
Pages of sheet music and horn fingerings
Useless information and insecurities

And yet I can't say a word
A single phrase to keep them around
Not a damn thing to make myself
Even the slightest bit intriguing

Pretty face
Pretty horn
Pretty lips
And a pretty mind

But I am so tired of being simply pretty
I desire so much more than this
Don't you see how much I can be?
I have opinions, ideas, jokes, and wants!
I'm not the stupid Barbie that I used to be!

See? These words get thrown around
Dust in the endless tornado
That just so happens to be my mind
I'm all over the place
How in the hell did it get this way?
How in the hell do I fix myself before I get too lost?

The Physical Will Always Show The Mental

I can feel my heart pounding
Hammering against my chest
Wracking my body
Heaving and straining

When did this become the norm?
My cheeks flushed and rosy
Heat rising to my ears
Mouth stretching in a sheepish grin

Antagonizing butterflies
They line the insides of my stomach
Their scaled wings flapping at me
Sweet terrors, lovely reminders

My body is the biggest betrayal
Of feelings I try to suppress
When I am not with you
They only cause me to lose my concentration

Oh, my mind and my heart
At constant torment
Of keeping a smile on my face
And keeping me in line

Minor Melody, Off Tempo As Usual

There's a certain beat
Thud, tha-thump, thudthudthud
Erratic and off tempo
Each hit a dull, aching reminder
Of the solitude

Thud, tha-thudthud, thump tha-thump
Thump, tha-thump, thudthudthump tha-thump
Echoing in the cavity
And resonating in the mind
Like a bass drum

Thump, thump, thud tha-thump
It speeds and it slows
It lessens, it grows
And it is uncontrollably dissonant
Ta ka di mi syllables at large

An aching medley of rhythms
Persistent offbeats
Antagonizing a familiar melody
The minor chord refusing to resolve
Choosing instead to continue
The sorrowful, lonely tune
Harmonies a constant tug
At heartstrings that already hurt

Every Time I Kiss Her, She Sings To Me

Minutes upon hours
Days after weeks
Second by second
Drifting thoughts collide
With unthinkable feeling

What is this?
Uncontrollable and raging
Passionate, unbridled
Flames intensified
By true integrity

Rapture through lips
Solid meeting pliable
The tender in control
Of the precious metal
Beneath it

Beauty in its purest form
Shining reflection
Requited love and savior
Blissfully caressing
The silver bore

More than I can mention
Emotion too overwhelming
The most incredible gift
Of a lifestyle and choice
Resting in my hands

Simply Believe

Hey, everyone! Zia here, just giving you a recap of my year. c:

I can't believe I have been writing on this blog for four years. Four. Since my freshman year of high school, I have posted my work here. And now, I am a freshman in college. I can't believe how quickly the time flies! It feels like only yesterday that I was just beginning to discover what writing meant to me in regards to how I expressed and handled my feelings. The style of my writing has changed so much as well! What a difference life experiences really make on a person.

So I am in college now, and it is an amazing experience. I have never met such a wide variety of people interested in different things. Of course there are the stereotypical band kids like me, those of us who are dedicating our lives to our practice. Most of the students in the department are music education majors. There are only two instrumental performance majors in my class, myself included. But we all adore playing. However, the department does have its struggles. My section lacks true leadership, as the directors refused to put a freshman as principle player because of lack of experience. Although each director has told me that my abilities are superior to my section leaders, they didn't want to cause me too much stress.

Next semester, however, they intend to make me a leader! I have never been so motivated in my life to become a better player. I truly believe that I will be an outstanding role model for the horns beneath me. I'm dedicated, and I love this instrument more than I have ever loved anything in my life. Horn kept me alive when I was at the edge of control. When I wanted to give up on myself, I pushed on for my music. I live and breathe for horn. There will never be a love more true than my love for horn. And I hope that I can convey that to my directors and professors.

My social life is doing well. Making friends in college is a lot easier than making friends in high school. I adore my sorority. The sisters are wonderful women, and I cannot wait to spend my college experience with them. My roommate is an angel. We get along absolutely wonderfully, and I hope she always knows that she is extremely loved. I have a good group of people in my life, and I intend to keep them. I am liked! I feel well-liked by my community, and that is a wonderful feeling.

Love life? Hey, that's a thing, too! We aren't official because he's at home, but he makes me really happy. And that is a great feeling. Having someone tell me I am beautiful and call me "baby" is a fantastic thing. I can't wait to see him again.

So all in all, I have come to the conclusion that things are going to be okay. I get stressed out, but at the end of the day, I am a pretty lucky girl. If there's a piece of advice I could offer you, it is this:
Things are never going to be perfect. It isn't always going to work out in your favor. But sometimes, that's okay! Nothing in life is set in stone, and things change a lot. But if you keep on pushing forward and believing that you're going to make it through the day, through the weeks, whatever, then that is what will keep you going. You have to believe in yourself, as cheesy as that sounds. If you feel like you're at your limit, then take a step back. Cool down. Then get right back on top of it and take charge. YOU are your best asset.
I believe in you. You should believe in you, too.

I intend to make this next year more incredible than the last! Every year, I learn something new about myself and about the world around me. That's what is truly important. Continuous growth is such a huge part of finding yourself. You learn what makes you happy, and that is what you need to live your life to the fullest. Happiness is the ultimate goal, my friends. And I promise, you will find what makes you happiest. I hope that you are defining yourselves and that you defy every negative influence that threatens to hold you down! Simply believe, and the rest should follow suit.

With much love,
Zia
Define Hurt

Was That Even A Thing?

How could I have been so blind?

Watching you now from my balcony
Waiting for you to fall once more
Tormented, pathetic little boy
With your ego radiating like an aura
That pretentious air a commonplace
In your dry personality

How could I have been so stupid?

Wasting perfectly good tears
On a figment of my imagination
Acting like such a chivalrous man
When you're still a child in mind
Berating others for their faults
Praising your slim strengths
And ignoring every shortcoming
As though you have none

Why did I ever want you?

Irritating in the extreme
Unquenchable thirst for superiority
Insatiable appetite for approval
Lacking in confidence
But you make up for it in pompousness
Such a bad actor
Such a bad friend

Miles Away

I ache
My stomach is knotted
My chest heaves, unbridled longing
My throat gets dry
My head feels light and dizzy
And the room around me spins

I breathe
The longest possible breath
Inhaling what sanity I can
Attempting to calm myself
Trying to keep above water
Staying out of this dreamland

I fail
Thoughts coming back again
Sweetly lacing every corner of my day
Dancing through my head
Breaking my composure
Stopping me in my tracks

I smile
Your rich voice in my ears
Comforting smile invading my mind
The idea of your arms around me
And me finally being yours
A persistent struggle
With me being so many miles away

But I won't give up
Not when I long for you so