Playlist for Noah

Hi, babycakes. So I'm making this playlist for you. I'll probably put it on Youtube or Playlist.com eventually, but I wanted to get it down in writing first. I love you.

Such Great Heights ;; Iron and Wine
Wanted ;; Hunter Hayes
Call Me Irresponsible ;; Michael Buble
Moondance ;; Michael Buble
Juliet ;; Emilie Autumn
My Cherie Amore ;; Stevie Wonder
On A Slow Boat To China ;; Bette Midler and Barry Manilow
Ever Dream ;; Nightwish
Amaranthine ;; Amaranthe
Kiss ;; Prince
I Wanna Be Your Lover ;; Prince

Your Nickel Ain't Worth My Dime ;; Sleeping With Sirens
Postcards and Polaroids ;; Sleeping With Sirens
If I'm James Dean, You're Audrey Hepburn ;; Sleeping With Sirens
Stomach Tied In Knots ;; Sleeping With Sirens
All My Heart ;; Sleeping With Sirens

Fool With Dreams ;; Framing Hanley
I Caught Fire ;; The Used
Cinema ;; Skrillex Remix
Boomerang ;; The Summer Set
When You Can't Sleep At Night ;; Of Mice & Men
If Only They Knew ;; A Rocket To The Moon
I Must Be Dreaming ;; The Maine
Miles Away ;; Memphis May Fire

Body Party ;; Ciara
Neighbors Know My Name ;; Trey Songz
Right Where You Want Me ;; Jesse McCartney
Beautiful Soul ;; Jesse McCartney
My Boo ;; Usher and Alicia Keys
Let Me Love You ;; Mario
How Do I Breathe ;; Mario
Ain't No Other Man ;; Christina Aguilera
Candyman ;; Christina Aguilera
Come On Over Baby (All I Want Is You) ;; Christina Aguilera
Crazy In Love ;; Beyonce
I'm A Slave 4 U ;; Britney Spears
Toxic ;; Britney Spears

Baby I ;; Ariana Grande
The Way ;; Ariana Grande
Mirrors ;; Justin Timberlake
Honey Bee ;; Blake Shelton
You Look Good In My Shirt ;; Keith Urban
The Secrets That We Keep ;; Sara Evans

Multiple pop and country songs make me think of you. Listen to some of these? 'Cuz they explain everything that I can't. I adore you, baby.

The Corners Of War

Have you ever gotten that feeling?
The inside of your stomach heaves
And your heartbeat wracks you with pain
Your breathing is labored
Those eyelids drop in defeat
And your body shuts down

It's the corners of war
Your fantasies against your reality
Tearing apart your insides
Because you're so lost to what is and isn't
After all, you can't see the end of the road
And the path is twisted

You've seen this happen
When you over-think it and ruin yourself
Because you're too insecure
Perfection is never attainable
And you're the farthest thing from it

Gracious acceptance of the past
And blissfully optimistic for the future
It brings tears to your eyes
Running mascara betraying you
Your strengths are your weaknesses
They bring your demise

Your body is turmoil
And your mind is even worse off
Landmines fill that barren landscape
Any chance of happiness is ruined by them
Those mines are your scenarios
Of what is, what was, and what will be
And they will destroy you

God, why won't you listen to me?
I'm trying to save you from yourself
Because this is how it always happens
You'd think you'd have learned this by now
But no, you won't

You think this is foolproof
What could ever go wrong?
And a minute later, you're wrought with pain
From something that hasn't happened yet
You can see it, you can feel it
But it doesn't exist
How can you do this to yourself?

This is war, damn it
And you're always going to lose
Until you stop sending your secrets
To the enemy

Sometimes I'm A Mistake

My fingertips hit the keyboard
And I have a million things to say
But I'm never coherent
And the words get jumbled again

If you looked in my head
I guarantee that you'd get lost
Between song lyrics and memories
Pages of sheet music and horn fingerings
Useless information and insecurities

And yet I can't say a word
A single phrase to keep them around
Not a damn thing to make myself
Even the slightest bit intriguing

Pretty face
Pretty horn
Pretty lips
And a pretty mind

But I am so tired of being simply pretty
I desire so much more than this
Don't you see how much I can be?
I have opinions, ideas, jokes, and wants!
I'm not the stupid Barbie that I used to be!

See? These words get thrown around
Dust in the endless tornado
That just so happens to be my mind
I'm all over the place
How in the hell did it get this way?
How in the hell do I fix myself before I get too lost?

The Physical Will Always Show The Mental

I can feel my heart pounding
Hammering against my chest
Wracking my body
Heaving and straining

When did this become the norm?
My cheeks flushed and rosy
Heat rising to my ears
Mouth stretching in a sheepish grin

Antagonizing butterflies
They line the insides of my stomach
Their scaled wings flapping at me
Sweet terrors, lovely reminders

My body is the biggest betrayal
Of feelings I try to suppress
When I am not with you
They only cause me to lose my concentration

Oh, my mind and my heart
At constant torment
Of keeping a smile on my face
And keeping me in line

Minor Melody, Off Tempo As Usual

There's a certain beat
Thud, tha-thump, thudthudthud
Erratic and off tempo
Each hit a dull, aching reminder
Of the solitude

Thud, tha-thudthud, thump tha-thump
Thump, tha-thump, thudthudthump tha-thump
Echoing in the cavity
And resonating in the mind
Like a bass drum

Thump, thump, thud tha-thump
It speeds and it slows
It lessens, it grows
And it is uncontrollably dissonant
Ta ka di mi syllables at large

An aching medley of rhythms
Persistent offbeats
Antagonizing a familiar melody
The minor chord refusing to resolve
Choosing instead to continue
The sorrowful, lonely tune
Harmonies a constant tug
At heartstrings that already hurt

Every Time I Kiss Her, She Sings To Me

Minutes upon hours
Days after weeks
Second by second
Drifting thoughts collide
With unthinkable feeling

What is this?
Uncontrollable and raging
Passionate, unbridled
Flames intensified
By true integrity

Rapture through lips
Solid meeting pliable
The tender in control
Of the precious metal
Beneath it

Beauty in its purest form
Shining reflection
Requited love and savior
Blissfully caressing
The silver bore

More than I can mention
Emotion too overwhelming
The most incredible gift
Of a lifestyle and choice
Resting in my hands

Simply Believe

Hey, everyone! Zia here, just giving you a recap of my year. c:

I can't believe I have been writing on this blog for four years. Four. Since my freshman year of high school, I have posted my work here. And now, I am a freshman in college. I can't believe how quickly the time flies! It feels like only yesterday that I was just beginning to discover what writing meant to me in regards to how I expressed and handled my feelings. The style of my writing has changed so much as well! What a difference life experiences really make on a person.

So I am in college now, and it is an amazing experience. I have never met such a wide variety of people interested in different things. Of course there are the stereotypical band kids like me, those of us who are dedicating our lives to our practice. Most of the students in the department are music education majors. There are only two instrumental performance majors in my class, myself included. But we all adore playing. However, the department does have its struggles. My section lacks true leadership, as the directors refused to put a freshman as principle player because of lack of experience. Although each director has told me that my abilities are superior to my section leaders, they didn't want to cause me too much stress.

Next semester, however, they intend to make me a leader! I have never been so motivated in my life to become a better player. I truly believe that I will be an outstanding role model for the horns beneath me. I'm dedicated, and I love this instrument more than I have ever loved anything in my life. Horn kept me alive when I was at the edge of control. When I wanted to give up on myself, I pushed on for my music. I live and breathe for horn. There will never be a love more true than my love for horn. And I hope that I can convey that to my directors and professors.

My social life is doing well. Making friends in college is a lot easier than making friends in high school. I adore my sorority. The sisters are wonderful women, and I cannot wait to spend my college experience with them. My roommate is an angel. We get along absolutely wonderfully, and I hope she always knows that she is extremely loved. I have a good group of people in my life, and I intend to keep them. I am liked! I feel well-liked by my community, and that is a wonderful feeling.

Love life? Hey, that's a thing, too! We aren't official because he's at home, but he makes me really happy. And that is a great feeling. Having someone tell me I am beautiful and call me "baby" is a fantastic thing. I can't wait to see him again.

So all in all, I have come to the conclusion that things are going to be okay. I get stressed out, but at the end of the day, I am a pretty lucky girl. If there's a piece of advice I could offer you, it is this:
Things are never going to be perfect. It isn't always going to work out in your favor. But sometimes, that's okay! Nothing in life is set in stone, and things change a lot. But if you keep on pushing forward and believing that you're going to make it through the day, through the weeks, whatever, then that is what will keep you going. You have to believe in yourself, as cheesy as that sounds. If you feel like you're at your limit, then take a step back. Cool down. Then get right back on top of it and take charge. YOU are your best asset.
I believe in you. You should believe in you, too.

I intend to make this next year more incredible than the last! Every year, I learn something new about myself and about the world around me. That's what is truly important. Continuous growth is such a huge part of finding yourself. You learn what makes you happy, and that is what you need to live your life to the fullest. Happiness is the ultimate goal, my friends. And I promise, you will find what makes you happiest. I hope that you are defining yourselves and that you defy every negative influence that threatens to hold you down! Simply believe, and the rest should follow suit.

With much love,
Zia
Define Hurt

Was That Even A Thing?

How could I have been so blind?

Watching you now from my balcony
Waiting for you to fall once more
Tormented, pathetic little boy
With your ego radiating like an aura
That pretentious air a commonplace
In your dry personality

How could I have been so stupid?

Wasting perfectly good tears
On a figment of my imagination
Acting like such a chivalrous man
When you're still a child in mind
Berating others for their faults
Praising your slim strengths
And ignoring every shortcoming
As though you have none

Why did I ever want you?

Irritating in the extreme
Unquenchable thirst for superiority
Insatiable appetite for approval
Lacking in confidence
But you make up for it in pompousness
Such a bad actor
Such a bad friend

Miles Away

I ache
My stomach is knotted
My chest heaves, unbridled longing
My throat gets dry
My head feels light and dizzy
And the room around me spins

I breathe
The longest possible breath
Inhaling what sanity I can
Attempting to calm myself
Trying to keep above water
Staying out of this dreamland

I fail
Thoughts coming back again
Sweetly lacing every corner of my day
Dancing through my head
Breaking my composure
Stopping me in my tracks

I smile
Your rich voice in my ears
Comforting smile invading my mind
The idea of your arms around me
And me finally being yours
A persistent struggle
With me being so many miles away

But I won't give up
Not when I long for you so

More

Author's Note: This is an older one. Can't remember the exact date, though. I wanna say around October 3rd, 4th?

Familiar musky scent
Medium-wash jeans
Laden with holes
Cramped space comfortable
Warmth nearing hot

Lazy touches
Flirtatious remarks
Quickly lead to lips meeting
The rough prickle rubbing
Hands tracing every curve
Heaving hot sighs

Eagerly pulling, stretching
Tearing the clothes from my skin
Wet lips engulfing tender spots
And I feel alive again
With those blue eyes sparking
Fiery and excited

"I knew you would come back."
Between kisses
"At least, I hoped you would.
I wanted you."

Singeing my body
With searing hot lips
You've got me writhing beneath you
And I'm enthralled

Lifting my hips
Caressing my lips with yours
Oh my God, oh my God
I've waited too long
Always too long
Please, please

Pulsating, throbbing
Needless ache punished
And rewarded all at once
Over and over

That smirk, that intensity
The desire to please me
To finally make me yours
And you're groaning
"Baby, baby."
Our words are whispered
But I hear it as screams

And I finally taste you on my tongue
You sigh once more
Exhausted
And I wriggle with anticipation
For more

The Past

Author's Note: This is in absolutely no way still relevant to my daily life. However, I enjoy keeping all of my poems and lyrics on this blog. Hence this one. xD

--- 10-1-13

I miss the way you laugh
The wave of your eyelashes
The curve of your smile
Deep-dyed black hair
Lazily throwing your arm around me
Softest lips meeting in a kiss
The tan of your skin
Hater marks on your neck
"I swear, I swear"
Followed by promises
Multitudes of oaths
I love you's
And aches of my heart
I miss the way we were
How we loved
And what will never be again

So Frustrated

Tired of seeing you
Constantly wearing the same blank expression
Invading every second of my daily life
With that dull hair falling on your shoulders
And a nasally tone
That asks every question without censor

Sick and tired of never being alone
Sick and tired of this situation
Sick and tired of this damned set-up

Why can't I go to my own space?
My peace of mind is being completely deteriorated
By the overwhelming aspect of this life
Leave me be, leave me be!
Let me have this one moment for me
And for me alone

I Always Dreamed

Constantly reverting my attention
Is becoming a frustration
But I can't get my mind off of you

How can I even describe how I feel about you?
I went from being completely detached
To craving an emotional connection
And look at where I am now
Sitting in my dorm room, miles away
Yet still longing for your touch
All I can do is remember

What I would give
To nestle into your chest again
Tucked gingerly in your arms
Fingertips lazily running up and down my spine
Across my arms, down my thighs
The rise and fall of your torso
With every breath you take
Silken legs overlapping yours
My hands pressed against your body
It's well after midnight
And I am still wide awake

Eagerly rolling over to a side
Taunting you, teasing you into action
Moving to meet me
The sweetest kiss on my lips
And you pull me on top of you
My legs straddling that gorgeous body of yours
And my lips can't separate from yours
Until you move to my chest
Burying yourself in me

I can barely breathe already
How does this happen?
It never was like this before
You know exactly what to do for me
Eyes tracing my body then reverting back
Those beautiful blue eyes haunt me when you're gone

You touch me again, and I sigh
Your name is honey on my lips
But you keep yours on me as though my skin is sugar
You move to look down at me
Eager anticipation rippling down my spine
And that sexy smirk lining your delicious lips

Me and you
The movement is pulsing
And you do things to me unlike any other man
Air can't reach my lungs fast enough
Eyelids fluttering in ecstasy
Is this even possible?
No one else has ever-

I gasp again, I can't breathe
You've done it, you've done it!
No one else could ever prove themselves
And here you are, still gripping my hips
I cannot keep quiet
Not when you give me the sweetest torture

You're exhausted
My lips on you once more
The finale of your feat
An ending I long to see you to
I could never refuse you

Once we've had our share
It's back to that same lazy position
Me in your arms
Pressed against your warm chest
My legs entwined with yours
And tender kisses shared again

You light up a cigarette
Thick smoke filling the room
And I love the small talk
Comfortable closeness
Easily nuzzled against you
As the morning comes to meet us
The wear and tear of our adventures
Finally forcing us into the silence of sleep
And I stay wrapped in your arms
The way I always dreamed

Romance For The Records

Lips meeting metal
The rush of breath filling lungs
And the power of air overwhelming me

I play
Vibrations of the purest form
Against a taut silver mouthpiece

Hand pressed against nickel
The curve of her bell the most enticing vision
A sight of the most pure beauty

And I play her
Love her the way I could never love a man
She is my sweetest sin, my one passion

But I am wrong
It is never the right melody
Never will she and I create the perfect tone

They tell me I'm wrong
That this romance is one for the records
She and I can light up the night sky

Our sound is changing
And our love is being tested yet again
How long can I hold onto her?

Am I A Masochist?

Am I a masochist?
I adore the things that hurt me
The bite in every word against me
The pain in every rejection I get
Because of the hope
A chance that this loneliness will lead
To a love that I desperately desire

I'd let you rip me to pieces
If it meant that one day, you'd love me
All I ever want
And all I could ever need
Rests in your hands
The hands that never touch me
The smile that never lingers in my direction
The eyes that desperately avoid me
And the voice that whispers my name

I hear it
And it's destroying me from the inside out
How I ache with longing
For you, for you, for you
The idea of you and me
Because I can see it, damn it
They can see it
This is more than just a passing glance
This is an emotion
One that is tearing me apart
Killing me from the outside in

Four More Days

Breathless
Caught up in the same old daydream
That I am dying to make a reality
Your soft lips against my skin
The slightest flicker of your tongue
Against the warmth of my neck
Your teeth graze the surface
And I can't hold back

From wrapping my legs around your waist
Pulling your lips down to mine
And grasping your hair in my hands
Every sound you make drives me wild
Sending those lovely shivers down my spine
I writhe in ecstasy again and again
The most beautiful feeling

You do it again
Envelope yourself in the emotion
And I'm screaming your name
In hopes that you'll never stop
Never stop loving me the way you do
It's the best way you know how

My entire body aches
The sweetest pain I've ever felt
Muscles in my legs shaking
Weakly nuzzled into the curve of your arms
Those same soft lips against my forehead
And sugar-coated "I love you's" escape your lips

Shakes of laughter wrack your body
As I am pressed against your chest
And I respond in the same manner
That smile lighting up your face
And lighting up my world
How could I live without the passion?
How could I live without the friendship?

Venom In My Veins

The sighs and the sweetest breath
The heaving of your chest
I felt it
I hear it in my dreams

The wrong never felt so right
It's my body's favorite fight
My brain rips
My heart right at its seams

I try to say the words
But they cannot escape
And I can
Tell you how I feel, but
Boy, I just get so afraid
Of how

You take my breath away
With the things you do
And the words you say
I didn't think it'd hurt
To hear the way you
Remember her
And I need you to know
I'm terrified that
You'll let me go
And I don't want you
To leave me

The way that my body aches
For your eyes upon my face
It kills me
Brings the venom to my veins

And if you don't feel the same
If I'm just another name
Then don't tell me
Save me from the selfish pain

I can't believe that I
Could do this to myself
And I can't
Tell you that you're bringing me
Into the depths of hell
With how

You take my breath away
With the things you do
And the words you say
I didn't think it'd hurt
To hear the way you
Remember her
And I need you to know
I'm terrified that
You'll let me go
And I don't want you
To leave me

'Cause I can't
Explain it
All I can do is say it
And just hope that
You feel it
It's embarrassing to say
How much I don't want
You to go
And I want you to know
That I can't
Control it
Or stop myself

You take my breath away
With the things you do
And the words you say
I pretend it doesn't hurt
The way that you
Remember her
I'm begging you to know
I'm terrified
That you will go
And I don't want you
To leave me

I'm so scared that you'll leave me

Judgment

Watch me fervently
With eyes narrowed by jealousy
And swear that you're superior
To my inevitable character flaws

This won't be the first time
And it won't be the last
That accusing words will flow
From that intelligent mouth of yours
Looking down on me
From your golden pedestal

Pardon me for being who I am
And pardon me for enjoying myself
God save my soul from hell
Because my apparent sins
Will send me straight to Hell, right?

The Other Side

Everything I've ever done
I've done with the best intentions
Every rule I ever broke
Has been too rare to mention
I've been holding out so long
And made this love my own invention

Every heart I ever broke
I tried my best to mend
Every story that I've sang
Has always had its end
I'm tired of this fairytale
I want to stop playing pretend

But I can't
So I won't
Although this heart of mine
Is crying for the other side

Every time I look away
You're always there beside me
Every time I needed you
You're always there to guide me
I am begging for a sign
That things aren't always what they seem

Every second that I wait
I view as some days long
Every time I go to sleep
The dreams turn out so wrong
I know inside I am a fool
Though I try to act so strong

But I can't
So I won't
Although this heart of mine
Is crying for the other side

Escape

Me and you against the world
A dream I so long to embrace
For the rest of my waking days

Until now, I was insecure
A beauty locked up in a prison
But my punishment was self-inflicted
And I couldn't free myself

But with you, I am in flight
Reaching even the highest skies
And touching the powdery clouds
With my own fingertips

You helped me be the me
I didn't know that I could be
And now, I can't go back
To the person that I was