The Overview

Hey, all. It's Zia here. Just thought I'd give my evaluation of the last year. And I'm not going to lie, it has been rough. I'm in my senior year of high school. That in itself is crazy. I am a section leader, a soloist, and example in the marching band. I am the Tri-M president of my school. And yet, something is still missing. I feel I have been missing my purpose, straying from my path. My work comes slowly lately. And I feel alone. Ripped apart, and ever so lonely for romantic companionship. I miss him. I miss him more than he knows. Other than the loneliness, I have been good. Alive. Well. Happy. Let us define hurt and defy it for another year, shall we?

Then And Now

You terrify me
With those eyes that linger over mine
A gaze that captivates and enthralls me
Intensity in a moment
And silence surrounding us

You enthrall me
With a smile that lights up a room
A gentle laugh that I ease into
Warmth in your mannerisms
And laughter between us

You destroy me
With a memory of broken trust
A fairytale destroyed by us two
Ignorance in our youth
And a love forgotten long ago

Let Down

Dear Teacher, I could have been studying French horn over the summer. But I'm not. I could be taking college courses with a horn professor before senior year so I'd be prepared for my major. But I'm not. I gave it all up for this band. And you've let me down once more. I've given up all hope of being a leader for this band. Thank you for letting me down again. -Kizzie

Lie To Me

Anything you could've said
Any lie you could've made for me
Why didn't you do it?
Why not keep up the charade?

Anything you could've said
Than what you said to me
Why didn't you say it?
Why not give me something to believe?

It's just as hard
As you make it seem
To say goodbye
To a memory
Of what we had
What we used to be
Why didn't you
Lie to me?

Couldn't love me anyway
Couldn't stand who you thought I was
Why did you keep pretending?
Why not say it from the start?

Couldn't keep me anyway
From the start, everything was lies
Why did you have to stop it?
Why couldn't you let me believe?

It's just as hard
As you make it seem
To say goodbye
To a memory
Of what we had
What we used to be
Why didn't you
Lie to me?

The way you did at first
Every time you said you loved me
You made it worse
When you said it was never true

The way you used to look
Like it mattered when I broke down
Into tears
'Cuz losing you was my greatest fear

It's just as hard
As you make it seem
To say goodbye
To a memory
Of what we had
What we used to be
Why didn't you
Lie to me?

Meet Me

Alrighty, bloggers and all. I've decided that I'm going to make myself pretty damn happy and confident. I can't take being so down on myself anymore, and the only way I'm going to feel better is if I focus on myself. I'm creating a list of things I love about me. Fuck the bad stuff. I can always improve my flaws, but my good traits are here to stay. Let the listing begin!

1. I'm a writer.
2. I'm the best French horn player in the district. And have been.
3. I have some very good friends.
4. My eyes a pretty shade of red-brown.
5. I have DDs.
6. My legs are really muscular; runner's legs.
7. I'm compassionate.
8. I have a fairly decent French accent.
9. I'm smart.
10. I can sing fairly well.
11. I'm a fun person to hang out with.
12. Nice nose.
13. Not super skinny, but not extremely overweight.
14. Trumpet player.
15. Mellophone section leader.
16. I can kind of play guitar, piano, clarinet, and alto sax.
17. I've never done drugs.
18. Not a smoker.
19. Not really a drinker.
20. Extremely empathetic.
21. Tend to look on the bright side, regardless of how many times this world or people in it screw me over.
22. I believe in love.
23. Easy to talk to.
24. Good at badminton.
25. Competitive.
26. Determined to make something out of myself.
27. I forgive very, very easily.
28. I always try to maintain friends.
29. I can listen to almost any kind of music and be entertained.
30. Love to read.
31. Polite.
32. Believes in a higher power.
33. Able to be different without crushing others' ideas.
34. Tries not to judge.
35. Doesn't hold grudges.
36. Gets along with people easily.
37. Impossibles are never impossible.
38. A pure dreamer.
39. Easily broken, but always recovers.
40. Beautiful.

Fly Away

Author's Note: This one is written for a good friend of mine, as well as for myself. I honestly love this one. c:

3-23-12
-------xx

Pretty baby
Why'd you let yourself
Do this again?
You can't ever see
What's right in front of you

Pretty baby
You won't ever fly
If you clip your wings
Let me try to save you

You've got one shot
So make it
You've got one chance
So take it
Don't let this keep you down
Fly away!

Pretty baby
That big ol' storm cloud
Won't always be there
It can only rain
For so long

Pretty baby
You've got so much
Raw potential
If you open your eyes
You'll see it inside

You've got one shot
So make it
You've got one chance
So take it
I'll be here to catch you
When you fall
But the only way you'll win
Is if you risk it all
You've got one life
So live it
You've got all this love
So give it
Don't let this keep you down
Fly away!

When you feel you're
Holding on to nothing
I promisek, I can
Be your something
There's so much we
Have left to do
I swear that we can
Make it through

You've got one shot
So make it
You've got one chance
So take it
I'll be here to catch you
When you fall
But the only way we'll win
Is if we risk it all
You've got one life
So live it
You've got all this love
So give it
I'll help you get off the ground
And fly away!

Rising Nightmare

Author's Note: This is the hardest one I've had to write to date. It makes me want to cry every time I sing it. But if you want to hear it, feel free to let me know. I don't believe I dated this one, either. It was sometime in March after I broke up with him.

-------xx

Do you even feel ashamed
Of how you handled you and me?
I've only got myself to blame
For this shattered heart and broken dreams

You silently watched me cry
From those big brown eyes you held so dear
Didn't give one damn "goodbye"
Or wipe away a single tear

I may have been the one to leave
But that doesn't mean I'm not
Screaming in the night
This mask I wear is infallible
So you'll believe that I'm alright
The vengeful side you never see
Hopes it hurts to look at me
Maybe then you'll feel the way I feel
'Cuz this is my nightmare coming real

I hope you're doing well
Bet you've already moved on
You put me through a living hell
When you said you wanted me gone

Just let me walk away
Didn't even try to hold me back
Or ask me if I'd stay
You allowed everything to crack
Into pieces

I may have been the one to leave
But that doesn't mean I'm not
Screaming in the night
This mask I wear is infallible
So you'll believe that I'm alright
The vengeful side you never see
Hopes it hurts to look at me
Maybe then you'll feel the way I feel
'Cuz I swear, this is my nightmare coming real

Maybe I'm a liar
If I tell you I'm okay
Don't tell me you miss me
I'm not gonna listen
Or ever believe you again!

I should've seen this coming
I've been through this before
Why did you have to do this?
Why don't you love me anymore?

I may have been the one to leave
But that doesn't mean I'm not
Screaming in the night
The act I have is infallible
So you'll believe that I'm alright
The vengeful side you never see
Hopes it hurts to look at me
Maybe then you'll feel the way I feel
'Cuz this is my nightmare coming real
You created my nightmare

The Art Of Holding On

3-7-12
-------xx

Forget the things you said
I'm tired of making
Myself believe
Every excuse you make instead
Of being with who you
Say you need

So here's your shot
Say what you wanna say
What have we got
That makes you wanna stay?
Why do you seem so intent
On pushing me away?

Give me something to believe in
Other than my insecurities
The trust I have is slowly fading
If it's gone, I'll never be free
From the doubt my mind created
Fixated on you and me
Don't you see? Stop letting go!

Remember singing a song
Of moondances and a
Love so strong?
The way you pull me in
To your arms
Back where I belong

And don't you dare forget
That fateful February night
Ad how I cried with pain
Pressed against your chest,
You held me tight
You said, "It'll be alright."

So here's your shot
Say what you wanna say
This is what we've got
So tell me you'll stay
Make me believe you
Won't push me away

Give me something to believe in
Other than my insecurities
The trust I have is slowly fading
If it's gone, I'll never be free
From the doubts my mind created
Fixated on you and me
Don't you see? Don't let me go!

Tell me it's my imagination
Playing stupid tricks on me
Look me in the eye
And tell me what you see

Give me something to believe it
Other than my insecurities
The trust I have is slowly fading
If it's gone, I'll never be free
From the doubts my mind created
Fixated on you and me
Can't you see? Don't let me go!

Don't push me away;
Don't let me go!

Rainbow Tears

Author's Note: Wrote this one FOREVER ago. So, sorry for not posting it back in 2011 like I should have. I'm such a problem. xD

10-14-11
---------xx

You did it this time
Is there something that
You wanna add?
My heart's walking on a thin line
At this rate, the rope's
Gonna snap

Not even
Another second
Longer
It's gone
I'm taking it
Harder
Than it ever
Should've been

It wasn't worth it
All those nights I
Waited at the phone
And every kiss meant
Nothing 'cuz I felt
Alone

I shouldn't miss it
Look at who you are,
At what you've done
I didn't listen
When they warned me
"Baby, run, run
And don't you ever look back."

Not even
Another
Second longer
It's gone
I'm taking it
Harder
Than it ever
Should've been

Keep breathing
Nothing
Could stop him
From leaving
Make him
Believe you don't
Feel it
'Cuz rainbow tears
Show him everything

Oh
Did you run, run?
Don't turn back

You did it this time
What else could you possibly add?

Not even
Another second
Longer
It's gone
I'm taking it
Harder
Than it ever
Should've been

Keep breathing
Nothing
Could stop him
From leaving
Make him
Believe you don't
Feel it
'Cuz rainbow tears
Show him everything

Run, run
Don't you ever look back

You Did It

If I could just tell myself one thing, it would be "don't do this again". Don't you dare trust anyone else, because every time you do, they end up leaving you. Every single time. I'm tired of counting the times people tell me they love me and take it back, watching me cry because I foolishly trusted them again.

If I could go back and warn myself that you'd be the one to break me the hardest, I never would have let myself get as close to you. There would be no chance of me falling in love with someone who could use me to his own advantage, then simply toss me aside, proving that I'm more unlovable than I originally believed.

If I could shield myself from every ounce of hope you gave to me, I would do it in a heartbeat. I never should have trusted you. I'm an idiot. I hope you're happy, because if you were planning to break my heart, you succeeded.

I've Got Something To Show You

--- 2-17-2012

It started out so innocent
With just one kiss
Then it blossomed into more

The starlight shining brightly
Over you and me
Your arms warm me to the core

And on that bus ride
It all changed
I once thought love
Brought only pain
Then you walked in and
Took your time
One soft kiss
Changed my mind

Come on, my Casanova
I've got something real to show ya
This romance didn't take long
And I had thought all hope was gone
Come here, my Romeo
Nobody else has to know
The secrets between you and I
You're perfection in my eyes
I've got something to show ya

You can make me laugh again
'Cuz you're my best friend
And everything I'd ever need

Everything from the stupid fights
To those perfect nights
It's all magical to me

The way you hold me
When we talk
The parkcore when
We take a walk
And when you need me
Baby, just call
I'd do anything
At all, all

Come on, my Casanova
I've got something real to show ya
This love thing we've got going strong
And I had thought all hope was gone
Come here, my Romeo
Nobody else has to know
The secrets between you and I
You're perfection in my eyes
I've got something to show ya

Believe me when I
Say you are
Repairing this once
Broken heart
And if everything
We have is wrong
Then all my morals
Can move on, stay gone

Come on, my Casanova
I've got something real to show ya
This love thing we have is going strong
And I had thought all my hope was gone
Come on, my Romeo
Nobody else has to know
The secrets between you and I
You're perfection in my eyes
I've got something to show ya

On that bus ride
It all changed
I've got something to show ya!

To Whisper Sweet Nothings

Dit des mots doux
Mon amour
Dit des mots doux a moi
Tu as mon coeur
Petant et toujours
Je preserve cet amor
Jusqu'a tu me partir
Tu et moi;
C'est fabuleaux
Je t'aime beaucoup
Je t'aime

Dare

--- 1-31-2012

Don't you dare
Say it was my fault
Don't you ever
Pass the blame
How could you
Be so heartless
As to say this
Was all in vain?

Don't you ever
Try to hurt me
I won't take
It anymore
Don't you dare
Restart the drama
It's not what
"Best friends" are for

Hypocrisy As This

---- 1-20-2012

A verbal barricade
Of cruelty and hate
How easily she states
Her displeasure
For a love I so adore
A companionship
Of two hearts
Despised by one
Who gave it up
With such ease

How is it that
Such hypocrisy as this
Is so easily and
Oftentimes ignored
Shoved aside
As this is?

Judge as you will
But I will not
Partake in this
Endeavor
And never shall I
Sacrifice my happiness
For you

Miraculous Addict

Eyelids fluttering to dreamland
Drooping over dark brown irises
That nearly match the pupils
And the sweetest images
Melt away all of the doubt
Destroying it with reality
Because love occurs when
Reality is better than dreams
Doesn't it?

It sure feels that way
Heart pounding in anticipation
Lips longing for that kiss
Oh, one more sweet, tender meeting
One more caress between two souls
And a joining of hearts
That kiss brings a flame
In even the calmest of minds
Lighting a passion
Unlike any other

Hands locking and grasping
Soft skin against skin
With a head gently pressed onto another
And honey-scented breath
Warming the neck
What an addiction
What a miracle

My miracle
My addiction

Where Are They?

Someone
Anyone
Please tell me exactly why
It all had to change so quickly

Why they're gone
The people I was so fond of
Disappeared from my world
Evaporated into thin air
Leaving me with my own destruction
Yes, I'm okay
Yes, I'm just fine
But if you asked if I missed you?
If I said no, it'd be a lie

You, You, You

You, you, you
With those beautiful green eyes
And the light brown hair
And those hands that fit
Perfectly with mine
You, you, you
Make my head spin
In a way that hasn't happened
In the longest time

You, you, you
With that laid-back smile
And arms holding me tight
And lips kissing me
In the moonlight
You, you, you
Make me go absolutely crazy
In a way that makes me smile
The way I missed smiling

Suffocating

Suffocating
With currents holding me down
And pressing down on my chest
Drowning me with blackened waves
Stopping me in my tracks

Crying
With dreams smashed to shards
And stabbing at my life
Stepping over the glass
Pinpricks at my memories

Not To Listen

Someone once told me
That they really did care
And that nothing was
Ever going to change that

And someone once told me
That they really liked me
And that it just couldn't
Work because of me

Well look at it now

You left when you said
You wouldn't
You changed your mind
For her
You forgot your best friend
For yourself
You didn't see into what
You could have had

Someone once told me
That I really mattered
And now I know
Not to listen